Holy hell. I just realized something. And to explain what I just realized, I am going to recount my thoughts of the last five minutes.
See, I was gazing at one of the pictures I had taken of Susanna. And I was thinking of how good that burgundy dress looks on her and how well it fits her. And then I remembered the feeling of pulling her onto my lap for a snuggle.
And then I remembered a "bad mommy" moment from this weekend. And it was a bad moment and I'm ashamed to admit this and I'll probably start crying while recounting this but anyway, in the interest of truly recreating my stream of consciouness moment I shall continue
Anyway, Sunday evening the kids had packed up their bags and I was getting ready to take them back to Dave's. Each kid had a large duffel bag packed with clothes, pillows, blankets, etc. I also had a large bag with their dirty laundry (sometimes I wash their clothes before sending them back, sometimes I don't). Ben and Lissa had no problem getting their bags down the steps and I told Susie to grab her bag and hurry up as I started down the stairs with the bag of laundry.
(You see where this is going, don't you? Sigh.)
Susie started protesting that the bag was too heavy. I was frazzled and headachy and not thinking clearly and I said, "Just let it bump down the steps behind you."
Sigh again.
Next thing I know, Susie is tumbling head over heel down the steps. I caught her before she reached the bottom and she just sobbed and sobbed while I held her and apologized and told her that I knew she must be scared and mad at me and she sniffled "I'm not mad at you Mommy" and I cursed myself for forgetting that she's such a small little girl.
Because even though she's five years old now, she's still so dainty. She weighs just 35 pounds.
And that's when it hit me, just now.
Thirty five pounds.
An entire Susie.
That's how much weight I've gained in the past two and a half years (since leaving Dave, the Food Police Chief). Add in the fact that I was overweight to begin with.....
I have a long road ahead of me. I actually need to lose about 65 pounds, which I think is an entire Melissa.
The good news is that I've been doing Weight Watchers and I've been sticking to it. It's only been a week and a half and I missed the first weigh in (the meetings are held at work and I had to miss work last Thursday) but I know I've lost something because Dave's scale registered six pounds less than it used to. Now, that doesn't mean I've actually LOST six pounds because Dave's scale is notoriously unreliable, but I do believe that I must have lost SOMETHING.
And this is good.
And I'm drinking my water regularly.
And Susie, despite being a Princess, is a rough and tumble little girl who loves to roughhouse with Ben and John, and she wasn't hurt and apparently, isn't mad at me, although she has every right to be.
Oh, and speaking of John. Unless it gets postponed AGAIN, the custody hearing is at the end of this month. Say a prayer or something (if you're the prayerful or something sort) for Inez to get John away from her mother. Even during the brief time that he's been here this summer it's been clear how horribly she is treating him. I don't mean she's cruel, but she's not raising him well. She's raising him to be an overweight, underactive, overstimulated couch potato.
The boy wants to do nothing but play video games and eat and watch TV. And he's spoiled rotten. Saturday, at Susie's party, John saw that my brother has an Xbox and immediately asked if he could have a sleepover - so he could play on the Xbox all night.
I sometimes find it very hard to deal with John but I know that, for right now at least, while he's still young, he's not really to blame for who he is. As he gets older of course, he will have to have some accountability but the hope is that Inez will get him back at the end of this month and she and Dave will be able to work to undo the damage her mother has caused.
My kids are a lot of things. They are not particulary well disciplined, I know. And Ben is hyper and Lissa is moody (God help me when she becomes a teenager.) But I know they're not spoiled.
